The Audition

[Enter a woman from stage left. She has a nose ring, short blue hair, and torn jeans. Enter a man from stage right. He’s got a bolo tie and a belt buckle the size of Texas.]

Man and Woman (speaking to the audience in unexpected unison):

The problem is, you don’t agree with me. You refuse to see reason. You refuse to see how qualified I am to act on your behalf. I know what’s best for you, and I’m trying to make a world for you with your best interests in mind, and you’re too stupid to see that. If only you’d see things my way, appreciate all I’ve done for you over the decades, all I’ve sacrificed to make the world a better, safer place for you. Why won’t you let me lead? Why won’t you sit down, shut up, and follow me? Why do you insist on making this difficult? This is all your fault, because you have such a bad case of–

Man: Feminism.

Woman: Internalized Misogyny.

Me (alone in the audience): Amazing that I can manage both at the same time. What makes you qualified to lead me?

[Man and Woman pull out identical puppets. Eyeing each other suspiciously, they put them on.]

Man and Woman [in unison falsetto]: Because I said so.

Me: I wasn’t holding auditions for a new god. This is seriously so gross. And blasphemous. Take those off.

[They do.]

Me to Woman: You’re right that equality can be measured.

[Woman smirks, Man Frowns]

Me: And not to get all Freudian on you, but your measuring stick is way too short.

[Woman scowls, Man snort-laughs]

Me: So is yours, cowboy.

[Man frowns]

Me: God’s the only one qualified to weigh and measure equality. If your argument requires gaslighting to win, maybe it’s less than watertight. Just maybe.

[Man and Woman scowl at me, but then exchange a knowing look. They leave the stage together, to discuss how self sabotaging I am.]

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